12 years ago today...

My life changed. My world was crushed and my heart was broken. March 2, 1996 my dad was in a single vehicle car accident and later died at the hospital. (March 1 was my parent's wedding anniversary - 16th that year...yesterday would have been their 28th) We had spent the day at my grandparents house and he was working on their car. We (my mom, brother, his friend, and me) left after lunch to go back home, and he stayed to finish what he was working on. A couple of hours later, the phone rang at our house and it was the chaplain (I believe) from the hospital telling us that he had been in an accident and for us to get there soon. We never got a chance to see him once we got there. They had taken him back to try to save his life. We were in a waiting room, and fairly soon, it had filled with family and friends. I remember going to get something to drink with my friends Amanda & Jennifer. We walked outside and I remember having the most selfish thought in my entire life..."who was going to walk me down the isle when I get married if he doesn't make it". To this day I will never forgive myself for thinking such. As we were making our way back towards the waiting room with our drinks, I remember thinking I heard everyone excited and laughing, but when I got into the room, I realized everyone was hysterical and crying. The doctor had come in while I was gone and told my mom that my dad didn't make it. Before I go on, I apologize if I lose track or don't make sense. It is so unbelievably hard to write this, but it's something that I've needed to do for so long now.

That night, my brother stayed with my dad's brother and his wife, and my mom and I went to stay at my grandmother's house. Nothing ever felt the same again. A couple of days later we had the funeral. There were so many people there. On a side note, over the years, it has meant so much to me to hear people have such sweet things to say about my dad. He was a great man who taught so many so much. Anyway, when we first got to the funeral home the day before the funeral for visitation, we got to go in before anyone else to see him. When we walked in, I remember seeing him and a smile coming across my face. The reason for the smile...the person at the funeral home that does hair, etc., did not do it like he wore his. When I saw him, when we all saw him, it looked nothing like him. They had his hair completely wrong, and somehow that made him look completely different. The smile came because for that split second I thought, it's not him!! They have the wrong person...he's not dead! In my heart and mind for that moment, that's exactly what I thought b/c he looked so different. They sent us out of the room...we went back soon after that and they had combed his hair like he usually wore it. It looked just like him. My hope that he was still alive was burst into flames. Reality was starting to set in. He was gone and wouldn't be back. After he died, we lived at our house in Montgomery for a few more months. There were several times where I would think that he was going to pull into the driveway in the afternoon...I finally gave up on those feelings. As crazy as it may sound, there are still days that I think he's in the secret witness protection program or something like that and he's actually still alive. I guess that's just the child in me wanting my dad to still be here.

I do apolozige for this not being an upbeat, happy post. While it is depressing, it's something I've needed to do for a long time. A couple of years ago, on the 10 year anniversary, I had a major breakdown. The entire week leading up to it, I was a wreck. The actual day, I had to call in sick to work. I drove to Montgomery, took my mom to lunch, then went to the cemetary and cried, cried, cried. I cried for a long time, and then felt better. This sudden calmness came over me and I was ok. I told him that I loved him and left. From that moment on, I was still upset about him not being with us, but at the same time, not to the point of not being able to go through the day without breaking down. Last year was ok...this year was tough. I'm thinking today was worse than expected b/c Josh wasn't hear to comfort me. I spent the day by myself...I did go to the cemetary. I sat there for about an hour. It was so beautiful today! I just sat there and cried...closed my eyes for a bit and felt the warmth of the sun...I heard the leaves swishing in the breeze. I watched a yellow butterfly for a while...I was hoping it would come closer to me, but it flew away. I said a few things that I needed to say, then I blew him a kiss and left.

Now it may sound silly, but all day I have tried to pay tribute to my dad. All day long I have listened to 70's rock! If you knew him, you know he loved music. As I'm writing this now, I'm listening to classic rock...just now "Black Water" by The Doobie Brothers came on. This was one of his favorites along with several others. Growing up, I hated listening to the music he and my mom liked. We listened to it all the time...I remember we were always listening to it on the way to Prattville to visit grandparents. I couldn't stand it. Now, I love it! The music he listened to and loved is some of my favorite!! I'm going to try to make a playlist for the week of some of his favorite songs, or at least the ones I remember us listening to so long ago. To name just a few of the groups he loved...Fleetwood Mac, Aerosmith, Eric Clapton, The Doors, Van Halen, The Allman Brothers, Led Zeppelin, ZZ Top, Alabama, Marshall Tucker Band and who I believe to be his favorites, The Eagles, Lynard Skynard and Pink Floyd. I'm glad that I had to endure the "torture" of listening to these bands, b/c by doing so, I fell in love with some awesome songs! I totally believe that I share my dad's love of music (another day, another blog).

Another part of my dad that I seem to share....his sense of humor. I've been told more than once by my mom that I have his humor...dry! It's ok, at least I think I'm funny :o) My dad was also all about his family. He loved spending time with us, and it showed. I don't remember a single school function that he did not attend. He would also take us to the park to fly kites, take us to Maxwell AFB, park on the side of the road and we would watch the airplanes take off. On the weekends when we would leave our grandparents house, I remember him pulling off to the side of the road so that we could run into a field and get some cotton to take to school to show to everyone. It's little things like that, that made him so special to me. He was always willing to help someone, anytime!

I'm going to go ahead and wrap this up, but before doing so I have to share a little information with you all. If you have ever driven up I-65 say from Montgomery to Birmingham, I'm sure you have noticed the water wheels with the big sign that says "Go to church or the devil will get you". Well, when my dad was younger, he helped my great uncle construct those wheels. So now, everytime you drive past them, you can say, I know the girl whose dad helped to build those! I think it's pretty neat!

In finishing this post, thanks to those of you who read it. I know it wasn't very uplifting and exciting, but it has helped me to write about what happened and just a little about my dad. While there is still so much more that I could write, this little bit has helped me in so many ways. I'm going to put a few pictures here of him...I don't have many on my computer, but his looks didn't change that much over the years. I hope everyone has a wonderful week, and don't forget to remember him when you pass the water wheels!!

John Floyd Bulger

July 2, 1957 - March 2, 1996

We love you and miss you every day!