Why...

did I ever leave him? Why have I not gone back to him? Why, when I felt like I had no one, did I not turn to him for comfort? And why did I ever in a million years think I could do anything, much less live my day to day life, without his help and guidance? I think by this point you know who I’m talking about.

When I mentioned in my last post that there has been this constant thought that I have from the time I wake up until I go to bed at night, it has been God. This is not one of the thoughts that haunts me by any means…if anything I should be thinking every question that I wrote at the beginning of this blog every second. I should think them every day until I get my act together and straighten up. He has been so good to me, no matter what has happened in my life, and I’ve turned my back. Why? I have no good answer…there never is a good answer for this behavior. I should not have left him, because he hasn’t left me. I should not have turned my back on him, because he hasn’t turned his back on me. I should have gone to him for comfort, because he’s always waiting with open arms. I should have, and should always let him lead my life, because I can’t do it on my own. I have prayed so many prayers lately. Does he hear me? I have not only prayed for myself and my family, but friends as well. Has he heard me? I tell people that they are in my prayers, and they are without a doubt, but is he listening to me? Why should he…I haven’t been the person I know that he wants me to be and that I want me to be. I look at the person I used to be…where did she go? Not to say I was ever perfect, but God used to be first in my life…where have I put him now?

When Josh left, I knew that it was not the end of the world. What we’ve gone through is so, so, so small compared to what others go through on a daily basis. Let me put it this way; it was nothing compared to most! Yes, my husband and best friend was not going to be with me for a while, and not under the best of circumstances. But it wasn’t the end of the world. I should have taken this time to work on myself and my relationship…not only with God, but with friends, family, and Josh. Did I? Not one bit. I’ve neglected friends, put off family, and ignored God. And Josh…I don’t know how he puts up with me sometimes?! Don’t get me wrong, the majority of our visits are great, but when I’m having a bad day or something is bothering me, he’s the one person that has to watch out. I don’t know why it’s easier to give him an earful when he isn’t even the reason for my moodiness. I’m working on that though! Back to what I was saying. I should have taken the last 7, almost 8 months and worked on these things. Instead, what did I do? I had a stupid pity party for myself day after day after day…Pathetic!

Instead of turning to God, I walked away. I went to church maybe 2 times after Josh left, and that was it. I honestly have no explanation for that. Nothing at all. Now saying that I haven’t been to church is not saying that I haven’t thought about it. I think about it all the time. Last night I wanted to go so bad! But I didn’t…I stayed home. I know better, trust me. I want to be that person that I know is inside. I want to go to him when I need him…but not only when I need him…to praise him, to thank him for all the wonderful things that I have been blessed with, to thank him for all the wonderful people he has placed in my life! I do have so much to be thankful for, and I am, but I’m not showing it. I’m not giving him the glory and praise that he deserves. I’m ashamed of that, truly ashamed.

I want more than anything for Josh and I to be the strong, Christian couple that deep down we both want to be. We want nothing more than to have a strong Christian family. I know that some of you are aware that Josh and I had tried for a little more than 3 years to have children. It has taken me until just here recently to realize that yes, God does know what he’s doing. He does have a plan for us all. As selfish as I am, and as bad as I’ve wanted a child, he knows what’s right for us. There were times that I would wonder how he could let me have this incredible want for a child, so badly, but not give me one. The months with the negative tests, the tears, the avoiding other people who were pregnant or had children…how could he let me go through that daily? I now realize that if we are meant to have children, it just hasn’t been our time. He knows that more than likely, I couldn’t have handled that on my own. Not only that, but I would have never wanted Josh to miss out on me being pregnant, the birth of our child, or the first few months of that child’s life. There’s no way I would want him to miss a moment. I know that was me being selfish. I’m looking at it a different way now…a way that I can actually deal with it and get through my every day life. I pray that when Josh gets home, that if we don’t get pregnant immediately, or even months after that, that I don’t let that control my life like it did before. Sorry to go off the subject, but that’s something that’s been weighing on me for a while.

Anyway, I feel like I’m losing my train of thought. I know what I need to do. I know what I WANT to do! I want to be a strong, Christian, God fearing woman. I want to be an awesome, Christian wife to Josh. I want to be a wonderful, Christian mother to our children, whether we have them ourselves, or adopt. Whatever the case may be…whatever the future may hold for us, I want to put God first in everything I do! I want him to guide me every day…I want him to be my focus! I don’t want to feel this shame anymore. I don’t want to disappoint him anymore!

I am begging anyone who reads this (and I know I don’t have to beg because you already are), but please pray for me. Please pray that I turn my life around and go back to my father! I need him, right now more than ever! I want to make that change, more than you could ever know.

Thank you for reading this…I love you guys!