So happy that yesterday is over...

Literally, yesterday was absolutely horrible! H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E!! Let me start by telling you that we (Josh and I) have been on "vacation" this week. No, we didn't go anywhere, but we both decided this was a good time to take off and just do little things around the house. We have been somewhat successful and somewhat lazy. You know how that goes.

Well, you know about our baby situation, or the lack thereof. Before I go further, I'm just going to warn you, there may be TMI! Anyway, I am as regular as the sun coming up in the morning and setting in the evening. I know exactly when my visitor will make her entrance and usually when she'll leave. Knowing this, she should have arrived Sunday. Well, I was stood up Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Anyone who has gone through infertility knows all too well what I was feeling...

"Oh my gosh, this is real...it's finally happened!! How am I going to tell everyone, how am I going to tell JOSH?? We've got to get that room cleared out for the baby...We've got to get furniture for the baby...Let me check online and see if this is normal...Am I for sure? Could I have taken something to delay my period?? No way, this is it!! I can already feel the "symptoms"...Ok, I need to just go ahead and let Josh know this is it! Josh, I still haven't started and I have all these symptoms. We have to get a test! Will you run and get one??? PLEASE??? And get a 2 pack so we can take it again just to be sure. Let me do a little more research online..."

For those of you who have never been through this, are you feeling me now? Well, on Wednesday, Josh heads to CVS, buys an EPT 2 pack, like I asked, takes a coupon of course (they are soo expensive!) and comes back home.

I take the test...we barely make it the 2 minutes before going back. No plus sign...Two single lines in different windows. 2 broken hearts...again.

At this point, I had siked up both up sooo much, you can't even imagine! Josh was already seeing himself playing with Josh Jr. (no, we haven't picked that as a name, just an example). I was already seeing that room all decorated for a baby girl. But there was no need to so soon. I was literally devastated! I have got myself so excited in the past and convinced myself that I had the pregnancy "symptoms", but then my period would start. Never, ever, have I been as convinced as I was this week. To top it off, we were off work which meant, I can just be online constantly looking things up about early pregnancy symptoms and if spotting is normal 2 to 3 days after a missed period. I could go to the bathroom every 5 minutes because my uterus was pressing on my bladder and I just couldn't help it. I could have my husband go out and purchase a pregnancy test (for which, we really didn't need to spend the money on), and only to have it show that we are indeed NOT pregnant yet again. The tears flowed, and still continue now and then.

How did I let it take a hold of me like that?? I prayed soo hard...I begged God to let me be pregnant this time. I literally BEGGED! I told him that I would be sick every second just to bring a healthy child into the world in 9 months. I just knew he was blessing us with this precious gift. I just knew it!

Then I found out...it's not in his plan for us at this time. I have got to stop thinking that it's in my time and not HIS! I have to! All on my own, I ruined what should have been a relaxing week for the two of us. I did that and I'm so ashamed and embarrassed by it. I got my husband's hopes up so much that he even thought this was it. I broke his heart...that kills me. I've been telling myself that I will never let this happen again...that I'll just stop thinking about it.

You know how hard that is though, right? I have and will continue to pray to God for patience and peace, and for a child. I still trust in him and will continue to do so. I have to have faith and trust in his plan for me...for us. If I don't put this in his hands and just go on living life, I will never be alright.