Josh and I will celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary next month (April 17). For 7 of these years, we've attempted to conceive. As a child I dreamed of a big family...my favorite tv show was The Brady Bunch, so of course I was going to have 6 children, 3 boys and 3 girls. When we first got married, I never could have dreamed that becoming a mother would not be as easy for me as for others.
We tried on our own for about 2 years before consulting a fertility specialist. We are now on our 3rd specialist. We've had 3 IUI's, spent thousands on medication and injectables, 2 laparoscopy's and a lot of blood work. The conclusion is that we suffer from unexplained infertility. We have minor reproductive issues, but not issues that should stand in the way of conception. We've been told by the specialist that IVF will be our only option at this point.
Today I sit here with $700 worth of Follistim in my fridge just waiting to be used. When I ordered this, we were prepared to yet again try an IUI, but we seem to continuously find roadblocks. This last time (November I believe) I went in for the initial ultrasound to make sure there was nothing out of the ordinary that would prevent me from possibly being able to proceed. Well, there was a cyst the size of a plum on my left ovary. WHAT? Where did that come from? I've never had a cyst. I broke down right there and literally could not stop the tears from falling. The nurse was so sweet... she just hugged me and told me it would be alright. That it would just go away. Since that day, I've just not been ready to go back...I'm so afraid that once again, something will be wrong.
The time before the cyst, I had a HSG and they saw something on my left ovary. I was already using injectables this month so when I went in for them to count the follicles, there were 5 healthy follicles on my left ovary. They said it would be too risky to attempt the IUI and scheduled me for a laparoscopy. I went in for it a week later and guess what? They didn't find a thing! Nothing...ovaries were in perfect shape. Yet another roadblock.
If you've gone through or are going through infertility, I'm sure you know what I mean when I tell you that sometimes I don't know if I want to continue with the process. I think, am I being given signs that this is not the way? This isn't meant for us? But then I think, why would I have this longing in my heart to be a mother? The longing to make my husband a father. He's going to be the best dad ever! I have no doubt of this. It feels unfair, but selfish at the same time. There's nothing in life that we need...we've been provided food, shelter, jobs, vehicles to get us to those jobs...I wonder how I could be so selfish to not be satisfied. Again though, there's that longing and hole in my heart that's just waiting to be filled. I feel like we're meant to be parents, I just don't know when and the wait can be so difficult at times.
Today is another day like the other 83 (if you're counting the months that we've failed to conceive) that I learn I'm not going to have a sweet little baby growing in my tummy this month. I'm sure that's why it's so tough to talk about our struggle today.
I know that there are hundreds of thousands of other's in the same boat and my heart breaks for you too. It's hard when we see stories about abusive parents, or parents killing their children because they just don't want them anymore...why did they get a child and we can't? We would be such good parents, and that's the way I feel about so many others that I've met through blogging dealing with infertility.
It is very encouraging when we hear of someone finally beating the odds and expecting a child (or 2 or 3!)! I love these stories and I just pray that it will happen for us too...all of us.
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9 comments:
Thank you for sharing your story! My husband and I have tried for almost 3 years and had 2 failed IVF attempts. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers and hope that one day we will experience the joys of being mothers.
i found your blog through Kellys's Korner! I just wanted to let you guys know that we are praying for you!
Praying for you guys...
Found you through Kelly's Korner. My husband and I have also been trying for seven years. *sigh*
Prayed for you.
Praying for you Amanda!!
Found you through KK's blog, we've been trying for 5.5 years and have gone through 6 rounds of Clomid and our first consultation with our RE tomorrow. I look forward to following your journey!
Y'all are always in our prayers. I often choose not to ask you about it... Only because I'm sure if you had news you were ready to share, you would. I wish nothing but the best for y'all and we are always here if you need anything at all. I wish I had some good positive advice to share, but I'm sure after so many months of trying it is just tedious. We will keep you in our prayers! Love you!
Thank you for sharing. It's incredibly courageous. I understand everything you are saying. Sometimes it's been so lonely for me. Reading your words has given me support. Thank you.
Hi there,
I just saw your comment over on my blog and came and totally blog-stalked you. You sound amazing! I'm so sorry we're in the same crappy "not a mommy yet" club, but I will absolutely be praying for you too!!
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